Why Grieving is Not the End of it

Disclaimer: The following content contains information regarding suicide, self harm, depression and mental illness. There is a description of how Kim Jonghyun’s suicide was executed as well. Therefore, if you are sensitive to such topics, please be careful reading forward. Thank you.

On December 18th 2017, Kim Jonghyun of the South Korean band Shinee committed suicide. He had used coal brinks and burned them on a frying pan, releasing carbon monoxide which if inhaled for a long time is deadly. What is even more heartbreaking is that his suicide was premeditated. On the last day of the Shinee concert, he had handed his friend Nine a letter explaining why he had decided to end his life. He had also signed his organs away after death. His last action, as reported was his text to his noona (older sister). The text read, “It’s been really hard up until now. Send me off please. Tell me I did well. This is my last greeting.” Jonghyun had been openly suffering from depression for a very long time, however it came to a point where he could not go on anymore. His letter detailed his hardships and I have posted a translation below as well. However, I should warn that it is very sensitive so if you do not feel up to it, please do not read.

I never imagined this would be my first article. I had decided to start writing three days before I woke up to this heartbreaking news. But, I have had enough of not being ale to do anything and feeling helpless and lost. I am writing this article to raise awareness about a very critical problem of high suicide rates around the world. According to Peteer Varnik, “The countries, which contributed most to the number of suicides in the world, were China, India, Russia, USA, Japan, and South Korea” (Varnik 2012). In his article titled “Suicide in the World,” Varnick highlights how in the year 2008, South and East Asia carrying the world’s second highest region specific population of 1,760,486 people have had the highest rate of suicide of 274 people. In the same year, approximately 15,104 females and 17,230 males have committed suicide in Eastern Mediterranean. The highest amount of females who committed suicide was in South East Asia with 105,683 and the highest amount of males to commit suicide was in Western Pacific with 129,366. In Japan of 2009, the highest amount of suicide occurred with 30,707 people dead per 100,000. The second highest number was 15,413 people for 100,000 in South Korea. According to “World Population Review,” South Korea is ranked number one with the highest rate of suicides in 2017 with 36.8 suicides per 1000. Guyana is ranked number 2 with 34.8 per 1000, Lithuania ranked 3rd with 33.5 per 1000, Shri Lanka ranked 4th with 29.2 per 1000 and Suriname ranked 5th with 28.3 people per 1000.

I can sit here and list numbers all day because there are too many studies done, too many statistics looked and yet very little change has occurred. In many countries, mental health, especially depression is highly stigmatised. We live in the year 2017 and in 10 days, we will be proceeding into the year 2018 and it is about time we start acting like it. Mental health should not be taken lightly. It is just as important, if not more than physical health. In many instances, poor mental health can impact physical health in a negative manner. Usually along with depression, many deteriorating sleep habits, eating habits and etc, can cause physical harm to a person. It is hard to pin-point one reason why, the top five countries with high suicide rates, have the rate they do. There could be many factors, such as the high beauty standards, the high competition in school and the work force or the high stigma that surrounds mental health which restrains people from seeking help; but in either case, something needs to change. In Jonghyun’s letter, he specified how his doctor blamed his personality for his depression, making it worse for him. We need proper, professional personnel in charge because in many instances, a person’s life depends on the personnel. As a society, we need to recognise that mental illness is not a choice, no one chooses to live their life, fighting with it everyday. Mental illness is something that happens due to either external, internal or both reasons. I have observed some things that have been very helpful in making a change. I would recommend the following from personal experience:

• Implementing a workplace hotline where one can call or text to talk anonymously when in distress. The following link carries hotlines from countries around the world: http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline

• Providing free workplace counsellors to whom the workers can go to when in distress (I realise that this can only work for big companies).

• Providing counsellors for every school. My counsellor in school impacted me in such a positive manner. To this day, I am thankful for his existence. School can be very though, especially for countries like South Korea with a very competitive environment, so it is very important for these students to have a safe outlet.

• Going to therapy as an individual. I would highly recommend for everyone to go to therapy. You do not have to suffer from any type of mental illness to keep your mind in check. Going to therapy/counselling at least once a month can help to better oneself as a person and at most give you an outlet to express your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment.

• Implement the idea of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be very useful during times of anxiety, panic, sadness etc.

• Get in touch with the little things that make you happy. I have a goal board where I write down things I want to accomplish in the future and I have pictures of things that make me happy. This may seem very simple, but waking and having the first thing you see as something that makes you smile can make all the difference in your day.

• Create a bucket list. I have a mason jar filled with things I want to accomplish. Each piece of paper I put in there has a little check box at the back so I can slowly check them off. This bucket gives me hope.

• Create a list of words that make you happy. Words are very powerful and shape the way we think. I have a jar filled with quotes that give me hope, make me smile, touch my soul etc.

I can recommend many more ways but I have just listed the ones I know from my personal experience. One last think that I want to recommend is a safe group I created on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/884023738389264/about/

I created this group because I realised that there is too much hate and negativity in this world. Even at a time when we all need to come together and support each other, I see much hate towards people mourning for Jonghyun. This group is called “The Safe Group,” and it is a safe haven for anyone wanting to reach out, wanting to rant, needing some positivity in their life or just a momentary smile. Social media such as Instagram and Twitter can be a great way to connect and express but it is also an open ground for disrespecting commentary and hatefulness. I want people in this group to feel safe. Being part of the Kpop community, I have faced stigma day and night. Losing Jonghyun was one of the hardest things I have had to face in my entire life and it took a big toll on me but I do not expect everyone to understand this because not everyone loves their idol as much as I do, and that is okay. I want this group to be a safe ground for the Kpop community so they can be themselves without being ridiculed or put-down for it. Of course, this is not exclusive to the Kpop community, anyone is free to join, however, I will be monitoring the group and any disrespectful and hateful comments will be dealt with appropriately. I hope we can we can come together as a group and find like-minded people and be there for people who need us. If you have any questions or concerns or want to talk, you can always email me at maisha.mustanzir@gamil.com or shoot me a message on Facebook.

Kin Jonghyun has been a big part of my life since 2007. He is also one of my favourite musician and solo-artists. He has made some of the most amazing music I have ever heard and wrote some of the most amazing lyrics I have ever heard. He faced a long and painful battle with depression but ultimately he decided to go to another place. I have been by his side, supporting him for so long and I will continue to be by his side even after death. He is in a better place, and even from heaven, he is looking down at us shawols and his members and friends and family. Therefore, we have to be strong and give him the smile he deserves. I know he up there safe and is smiling down at us because he sent us a sign:

This aqua moon was seen in Japan after Jonghyun’s passing. This phenomena is rare, and for the blue hue to be the colour of the Shinee lightstick is even more rare. I see this as a sign: him letting us know that he is in a better place, a place where he can finally be happy. We need to work hard and better ourselves, love ourselves and love each other; because in the end, we only have each other in this life that passes in the blink of an eye. You did well Jonghyun, you did more than well, you worked hard and suffered, now it is time for you to rest. Thank you for existing, gracing us with your melodies and teaching us what kindness and compassion looks like. Lets always tell each other that we did well. On this note, I would like to leave you all with one of my favourite songs by Jonghyun:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMJQlhdkrqU

References:

Varnik, Peteer. “Suicide in the World.” Public Health 9(3). ( 2 March 2012): 760–771. Web. http://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/9/3/760/htm

N/A. “Crude Suicide Rate by Country 2017.” World Population Review. (2017). Web. http://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/suicide-rate-by-country/

Heartnnets. “Jonghyun — 엘리베이터 (Elevator).” Youtube. (24 April 2017). Web. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMJQlhdkrqU